Should Have Been Me
by xThePassionateWriterx
Summary: Set after Collateral Damages. The reason behind Pippa asking Olivia if she was seeking revenge. Pippa/Olivia one-shot
**This has been a work in progress ever since 17x15 aired because it is obvious that there's more to Olivia and Pippa's relationship than what was showed. I know I haven't updated anything else in god knows how long, but it's the last month of the semester and i'm drowning in work. I will try to update something in my free time, though. Until then, enjoy this gem.**

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Olivia woke up to loud, rapid knocks on her door. She jumped out of bed to get to the door before it woke Noah up. She grabbed her robe from the back of her door. She walked to the door and looked through the peephole. She took a deep breath when she saw Pippa standing on the other side.

"Pippa, what are you doing here?" Olivia asked opening the door pulling her robe tighter around her body suddenly feeling a little self-conscious around her.

"I didn't know where else to go." She weakly admitted. She knew that Olivia was there for the case, but it was over and she didn't know if she overstepping any boundaries.

She looked her over and noticed a slight cut on her lip and a small gash on her cheek and she immediately got concerned. "What happened?" She asked pulling her into the apartment and closing the door behind her. "Who did this?" She started looking her all over with a more attentive eye to make sure she didn't even have any other bruises or scratches.

Pippa tried to fight back tears as Olivia looked her over. She suddenly felt vulnerable. "Some moms saw the news and they threw bottles at me while I was leaving the office." She pushed back her hair and bit her lip nervously. She had never been so afraid of her life until tonight. The incident happened closer to her place, but for some reason she ended up at Olivia's apartment. Ten years later and this was still her safe place.

Olivia sighed. She was afraid something like this would happen and she was glad the kids were away, but she was still worried about Pippa. "Did you get a good look at them?" She said as they walked into her bathroom.

"Don't talk to me like a victim." She said harsher than she intended. She was just tired of people either being extremely rude to her or walking on eggshells around her. She just wanted to be treated like a normal person again.

Olivia pressed her lips together and swallowed hard. She knew Pippa well enough to know she didn't mean for her words to come out like that, but it still didn't stop their effect on her. "Sit on the counter." She said with no emotions in her voice.

She pushed herself on the counter. "I'm not reporting anything. I expected this kind of backlash." She said with a nervous shake to her voice. Just because she expected this to happen to her, didn't mean that she was still afraid. She just didn't want to seem so weak and little in front of Olivia.

"I didn't expect you to." Olivia said dabbing gently at her cheek with an alcohol soaked cotton ball. She tried to avoid eye contact and just wanted to get this over. Of course she cared about her and didn't appreciate the fact that she was assaulted tonight, but this was really the last thing that she wanted to deal with.

Pippa slightly jumped and grinded her teeth together at the slight pain.

"Good news, it isn't deep or big enough for stitches, but it is going to hurt like a bitch."

"I'm a big girl. I can handle it." She said trying to jump down for the counter but Olivia held her in place.

"I have to clean your lip, too."

"With the alcohol, right?" She tried to joke and ease the tension between them.

Olivia showed no emotions to her question. "Press your lips together so you won't taste it." She said before pressing the cotton ball to her top lip. She knew her mind shouldn't have gone there, but she couldn't help it. Spending the last week with Pippa had brought back all the feelings for her that she thought she had repressed over the years. She tried to focus on the actual cut on her lips, instead of her lips to clear her mind of the less than clean thoughts.

Pippa crossed her arms and tried not to focus on the fact that Olivia was standing between her legs, unconsciously biting down on her bottom lip while focusing on the task at hand. Olivia was beautiful, a blind man could see that. Sitting on her bathroom counter at midnight after finding out about her husband's involvement in child porn and getting attacked for it, she couldn't help but to wonder why she ever left Olivia in the first place.

"Done." She said stepping back. "Don't lick your lips." She said in a way that had no sexual undertones to it, so she hoped.

"Didn't plan on it." She got down from the counter. "I should go. Sorry for barging in so late."

"Don't apologize. It's fine."

"Thank you." She spoke in a gentle tone.

The words came out of her mouth before Olivia's mind even processed them. "You don't have to go. It's no fun going to an empty home when the last thing you want to do is be alone."

"Olivia, I couldn't. You've already done enough for me, more than I truly deserve." Pippa couldn't understand why Olivia was being so nice and caring to her especially after everything she did to her in the past.

"I'm not holding a decade long grudge against you." She said as if she was reading Pippa's mind. "Especially when you could really use a friend right now." Of course, Olivia wanted nothing more to go back to bed, but after Pippa's attack, it would help her sleep better tonight, if she knew where she was.

Pippa chewed on her bottom lip and let out a sob she didn't even know she was holding in.

Olivia's heart broke and she pulled her into her arms. She couldn't imagine what was going through her mind right now.

They stood in the middle of Olivia's bedroom wrapped up in each other's embrace. Olivia was gently rubbing her back while Pippa softly cried against her shoulder.

Pippa was the first to pull away. "I'm sorry. I'm in your arms crying over the man I cheated on you with."

And the wound was just reopened. Olivia had tried her best not to think about that, and she was doing a good job until Pippa said something. She didn't want to go there, not tonight. She was trying her hardest to forget that part of her life. "Don't."

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." She said as more tears ran down her face. "You didn't deserve that and I don't deserve you."

Olivia stepped back putting more distance between them as she ran her fingers through her hair. Pipa was her first and last relationship with a woman. She actually thought they had something until Pippa cheated on her with Hank. For a long time, Olivia blamed herself. From birth, she never felt loved or wanted and being cheated on by someone she considered the love of her life was the final nail in the coffin. "Are you done?"

"No, because you're holding back your feelings."

"There are no feelings there." Olivia said trying to convince herself more than Pippa.

"So, you're over me? Us? You forgive me?" Pippa asked slowly approaching Olivia. She didn't believe her one bit. She wasn't over them and she was the one that got the so called happy ending. But, if Olivia had put their relationship behind her, she couldn't blame her. She caused her a lot of pain and hated herself for it.

Olivia swallowed hard. She could lie and say yes, but they both know the truth.

Pippa stepped back and took her delayed response as a no. "If it makes you feel better, I'm not over us either."

Olivia crossed her arms and pushed her lips out a little. "You're the reason there is no _us._ This your fault." Olivia snapped. How dare she say she's not over their relationship when everything that happened between them was her fault? This is the last thing she wanted to think about right now, and she felt herself getting angry.

This is what Pippa wanted. Even when Olivia found out she was cheating, she didn't say anything. She just told Pippa to go and that was the end of that. There was no fighting, no begging for forgiveness. They ended as fast as they begun. "I know. To this day, I still haven't been able to forgive myself."

She scoffed. "Really? You still got everything you wanted. Your dream job, kids, husband. You were living the dream!" She said bitterly. She was the one that cheated and still got everything that she wanted. How was that even fair?

"That doesn't mean I was happy. He loved to keep me a secret and cared more about his job."

"Well, I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side." A small part of her was glad that Pippa wasn't happy in her marriage. She didn't deserve happiness after what she did to Olivia.

"I deserve that. I deserve your anger, but I want to fix us."

"You only want to fix us _now_ because your dream man was addicted to child porn. I'm not going to be your damn back-up plan." Olivia couldn't believe that after all these years and everything that happened to them that Pippa thought she was just going to get a second chance like that.

That hurt. She didn't expect Olivia to throw that in her face but here they were. "That was low, Olivia."

She shrugged. "So was cheating on me." She didn't care about her feelings right now because Pippa didn't care about hers.

"Say it. Just get it off your chest. Say I told you so."

Olivia rolled her eyes and smirked. "You would enjoy that too much." She said walking out of her room and into the kitchen.

"So, that's how you feel?" Pippa asked following her. "I don't even know why I came here. You're never going to forgive me." She said with an annoyed sigh.

Olivia turned around and got in her face. "You cheated on me and then raised _my_ child with another person!" She yelled. She finally snapped. That's where a majority of Olivia's anger came from. Not the cheating, but raising, what should have been their child behind her back.

It was dead silence between them as they had a stare off. Olivia was pissed. She was at her wits end and was tired of Pippa trying to play the victim role.

Pippa's breath hitched and her eyes widen. "You know?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and stepped back. "Of course I know. One look at Jordan and I can tell he's mine." When they barged into Pippa's place that night and she saw the kids, her heart stopped. She didn't want to believe it, but DNA doesn't lie. Olivia had wanted a child, but didn't want to carry it because of her job. Pippa had fertility problems, so they implanted Olivia's eggs in Pippa. It failed the first two times, but Jordan was the first successful one, and Olivia wasn't there.

"I didn't know he was yours until he was about three and needed blood. His blood type is type B. My blood type is type A and Hank's is type O. Which means it would have been impossible for Jordan to be our biological child. I came clean to Hank about the uncertainty, and he said that Jordan was still his son, so we never talked about it again."

"Did you ever think about telling me and don't you lie to me Pippa."

"Yes, but Hank said it would be a horrible idea for you and Jordan." She ran her fingers through her hair. "I shouldn't have listened to him."

"You were just being a good wife and mother." Olivia said trying not to sound bitter but she was failing miserably. She was supposed to have the family life with Pippa and because she couldn't stay faithful, that future was thrown out of the window.

Pippa was starting to feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable and knew if allowed, her and Olivia could have argued for the rest of the night. "Do you just want me to go?"

Olivia sighed. It wasn't safe for Pippa to be alone right now, nor was it fair, but Pippa reopened old wounds and the last thing Olivia wanted to do was take a walk down memory lane. "If you want to stay, the couch is yours, but I'm going to bed." And with that, Olivia walked away toward her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

Pippa stood in the middle of the living room trying to process what happened in the last hour. Olivia went from caring about her well-being to throwing up her guards and pretending like she wasn't hurt. It would kill her to stay in the same place as Olivia with all the tension between them, so she decided to leave.

However, she left a note for her before she left.

 _I'm truly sorry for everything that I've done. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and we can at least be friends, because I really need one right now. Thank you for cleaning me up even when you didn't have to. I still love you, Olivia. Always will._

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 ** _Three months later..._**

"So, what is so important that it couldn't wait until the sun was up?" Olivia asked allowing Pippa to walk in the apartment. Over the last few months, Olivia had slowly let Pippa back into her life. They were just friends, but it was still chemistry there.

Pippa pulled papers out of her purse and smiled. "The divorce is final." She basically threw the papers in Olivia's face and couldn't hide her excitement.

The divorce was on the things holding Olivia back from pursuing anything else with Pippa. She was happy that Pippa was free from Hank, but she felt like Pippa only rushed it for Olivia and not because it was something that she wanted to do for _herself_. That's not what she wanted and now that the divorce was final, she felt like Pippa would expect her to want a relationship immediately. "I'm happy for you."

That wasn't the reaction she wanted, but it's the one she expected from Olivia. She cleared her throat and her smile slowly faded away. "Thank you."

Olivia could read Pippa better than anyone and could tell that her feelings were hurt. "Pip, you need time to get over this. I have my own demons to work through. I don't want to jump in this and then having it fail again." If she was being honest with herself, Olivia was scared. She was tired of getting hurt in relationships and because of their past, she already had a bad taste in her mouth about their relationship.

"No, I get it. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I got a little ahead of myself. It's just that you're all I can think about." She stuffed the papers back in her purse. "Take all the time you need, Olivia. I'll wait for you." She said turning around towards the door in a different mood than she was in when she first got to the apartment.

Olivia sighed and decided to take a chance for once in her life. "Stay." She said in a soft voice.

Pippa was glad that they weren't facing each other because her smile returned hearing her ask her to stay. "I couldn't." She turned around to face her.

Olivia reached out to grab her arm before pulling her closer to her. "Stay." She repeated herself while looking directly into Pippa's eyes. "Please."

"Okay." Pippa said not breaking eye contact.

Olivia let a small smile appear on her face before her eyes dropped to her lips.

Pippa followed her eyes and couldn't ignore the excitement that was slowly building up inside of her.

Olivia stepped back and chuckled lightly. "Let's go to bed." She said grabbing her hand and leading her to the bedroom.

"Ol..Olivia, we don't have to do this right now." Pippa stuttered. She didn't want Olivia to rush anything if she wasn't ready. She was more than happy to give Olivia full control over their relationship.

Olivia slightly smirked. "I'm talking about sleep, but I see where your mind is." It was a nice suggestion, but she really did want to sleep. Especially since Pippa had the tendency to come over only when Olivia was sleeping.

"Oh." Pippa said instantly regretting opening her mouth.

She just grinned as she closed the bedroom door behind them. "Get comfortable. Do you want something to sleep in?"

"Do you want me to sleep in something other than my underwear?" She asked with a raised brow.

Olivia was glad the tension between them was subsiding. "Pippa." She said getting into bed.

"Got it." She said with a sly smile. She stripped down to her bra and underwear and couldn't have ignored Olivia's stare even if she wanted to. It made her happy and gave her a sense of security that everything would be fine between the two of them. She climbed into the bed, but left some room between her and Olivia.

"We can talk tomorrow." Olivia said turning on her side and pulling Pippa closer to her. "Right now, I just want to sleep."

Pippa nodded and tried to relax, but being this close to Olivia with few barriers between them was distracting her. "Olivia, I love you." She confessed. She's been wanting to say it ever since Olivia let her back into her life but she didn't want Olivia to run away. Now that her divorce was finally, and they were in bed together, she couldn't think of a better time. "You don't have to sa—"

She cut her off. "Pippa, it's obvious that I still love you." She reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. "Relax."

Pippa melted into her touch, but still didn't believe her. "Then kiss me. Show me that we're going to be okay in the long run."

Olivia licked her lips before she leaned over and softly captured Pippa's lips. She didn't know how much she wanted this until their lips actually touched. Her hand went to Pippa's hair and pulled her closer.

They were now chest to chest and Pippa slightly moaned into the kiss. She grabbed the sides of Olivia's face and brushed her tongue against Olivia's bottom lip.

Olivia opened her mouth and allowed Pippa to deepened the kiss.

The kiss went farther than expected, but both pulled away with smiles on their faces.

"Is that proof enough?" Olivia asked as she gently ran her fingers through Pippa's hair.

"Yes." Pippa barely got out.

Despite everything that has happened between them, Pippa was the only person Olivia one hundred percent felt comfortable with. She was the only person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

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